Well what can I say, I went for this at the City hospital in Nottingham, never been there before so found the whole place a little confusing at first due to lower and upper floor but got there in the end just in time, not kept waiting, great, a lovely Doctor who sat down and gave me the confidence to fight this, she also said to me, and this made me feel that I am not as mad as I feel, that it is time to sort your affairs out, not bluntly, just reasureingly, believe me since last friday when I got this devasting news about my future, or lack of, all I can think of is organising my funeral, you see I know that that is the worse part of the final arrangements having seen people doing this at work, I know that my husband and children would just go to pieces when the end happens, i will take comfort myself in knowing that this will be carried out as I want it to be.
The funeral will not be a standard one as i want to be buried in a green burial ground, there will be more of a secular feel to the service, having some poems read out and a short prayer,I will have a hymm which will be 'All things bright and beautiful'. I have always loved that one, it reminds me of spring and that will always be my favourite season, the woodland site you can have a tree planted and I choose a cherry, Always the first blossom of spring, bringing new life. Genesis singing 'Follow me follow you' Listen to the words closely one day they really mean something to me. And last but not least 'I did it my way' because yes I did.
If there is one thing you should do during your life it is organise your funeral, I really am finding some peace in doing it.
Anyway back to the oncology, it will be six weeks of five days a week going for radiotherapy combined with Chemotherapy, they have also asked me if I would like to be invovled with a clinical trial for Avastin therapy for my type of newly diagnosed tumour, it will be a blind trial where I will not know if I recieve the actual drug or the pleacebo, but I say bring it on, if my fight can give someone in the future some hope against this horrendous disease, then I am up for it.
As you can tell I feel quite serene today, dont really know why, I think I am begining to accept this now, not giving in to it though, Had quite a long chat to my husband at 3.30 this morning over a nice cup of tea, I really like this, I feel that we are so close still and silly little things like this are so comforting to me, although he could make the tea a little less milky, I know he is thinking of me spilling it down myself.